i'm miserable.

i have been basically bed ridden for about five days now. 99-101 fevers if i dont take tylenol exactly 4 hours after the previous. sleeping with a humidifer just to breathe, pain pills just to sleep...

and i am BITCHY. big time.

chad really hurt me today. i asked for it. i am having some female probs so no intimacy til those are cleared up, but i also told him i would rather not until i lost at least 5 pounds. i have been trying to follow weight watchers despite being sick. been on it for two weeks. i just...i dont feel good about myself and since i cant exercise a lot i want to learn how to eat right if nothing else.

i told him that and he said that i have been through like six diets in the past year that he knew of so i need to just stick with one. that i needed to exercise.

like i haven't tried. .....like it's my fault. maybe it is. maybe i just have not tried hard enough...

Wrote this today. Tried to make it sound like poetry in motion. Do not think it worked...

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Rationalization cries out from the agony of condemnation. Everything screams against the ideology of pushing forward with life, drudging onward through the muck and muddle of thought process and society. A pathetic excuse for humanity, seas of faceless drones move without direction down highways, through supermarkets, in endless lines.

The monotony of everyday life smacks even the most placid of beings into boredom and irritation. Add the prickling of needles, sizzle of burning nerve endings, respiratory duress of a drowning man, and what do you end up with in the midst of all this insanity?

Complete and utter devastation.

So, I wanted to let you all know.

Dr. Brandon sat with me. He thinks that this is the beginning CLUES of lupus (SLE) but that the inflammatory breakout was due to gardasil shot, which I had a week before the pains began to increase. The research he has given me shows that girls are actually dying from these injections. It helps some but doctors are quoting it as "killing more than it is saving." These girls have immediate respiratory reactions to the injection and die, but the numerous are not so great that it is immediately taken off market. You know how it goes. He says mine is not life threatening, but that the lupus likely has weakened my immune system so the injection has sat up an inflammatory process in my chest. I have a CAT scan Wednesday at 3.

He has seen the amount of pain I am in and is determined to do what he can to lower my pain level atm. He upped my meds to Lortab 7.5 and said that though he worries from time to time about patients developing addiction (not TOLERANCE, which he made very clear), he's more concerned about getting my pain level down.

The more research I did today, I found out what has happened. The gardasil DID do it, but it was the fact they gave me the tetanus WITH the gardasil that gave me the reaction. The gardasil is only FDA approved and tested to be taken safely with Hep vaccines, no others. So the tetanus had an adverse reaction, and with the possible lupus, flared up into an immune system problem. Yay.